That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
