Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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