it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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