she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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