You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
