Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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