i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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