meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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