my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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