I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
