Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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