I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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