I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
