i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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