Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
