just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
