No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
