Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
