Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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