First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
