I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
