My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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