I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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