you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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