You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
