i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
