As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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