At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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