masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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