Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize