Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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