Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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