so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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