seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
