I accidentally had phone sex last night
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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