if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dicks are not precious.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
