God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
