my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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