i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
