Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
