my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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