Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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