Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
