are you still at the devil's house?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
