I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
