my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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