nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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