Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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