He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
