O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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