He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
