We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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