i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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