My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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