your room smells of hookers.
And success
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
