Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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