I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
