swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
