I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
